The Unusual Suspects: 24 & Arrested Development
by Dr. Wordsmith
Summary: Jack Bauer has just been captured by the Chinese. The Bluths have just held a party on the Queen Mary. Two of the network's greatest programs converge as Jack Bauer escapes from one torture only to find an entirely new one: The Bluth family.
1. PILOT

PILOT

**The High Seas, California-ish**

_Jack is in a dark and grimy cell room about the Shanghai; chained, bloodied, and beaten half to death_

NARRATOR: This is Jack Bauer. For two decades he's worked for his nation's government, waiting for anything at all to go his way. And right now, he's not happy.

_Cheng walks up smiling_

CHENG: Look what we've done to you, Bow-ah.

NARRATOR: This is Jack's captor, Cheng Zhi. He is happy.

CHENG: Look what my metrosexuals have done to you.

_Jack notices that he'd been not only beaten and dragged but also outfitted with a fashionable shirt and hat_

NARRATOR: Cheng is thrilled that his elusive nemesis is en route to a Chinese prison, where he'll have to endure months of endless torture.

_A random Chinese guy walks up and tasers Jack_

NARRATOR: This is a random Chinese guy. One of the many who will surely make Jack's near future a veritable hell.

_F__lash to a staged group photo of the chic Chinese Interrogation Squad (CIS). Some are holding syringes, some are holding pistols, and one is holding the DVD slipcase of Kangaroo Jack_

_(not on boat)_

NARRATOR: They work in China, where they've been celebrated for their skill in fusing brutally efficient interrogation with male model elegance.

_Random Guy exits, swaggering to the door as if strutting down the runway_

NARRATOR: Yes, these are Jack's enemies. So why, after all the devastation and heartbreak, does he still possess a shred of sanity? Because he hasn't met the Bluth family.

THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS

NARRATOR: Jack was feeling more optimistic about his journey on the evening of his capture.

JACK: Kill me. Just…kill me.

CHENG: I feel like we've been through this.

JACK: Again…I need to hear it again.

CHENG: Okay…"Kill you? You are far too valuable to kill Mr. Bauer."

JACK: How so?

_silence_

CHENG: Well, we do need a fourth.

**Minutes later…**

_Cheng and Jack are out on the Shanghai's helipad with tennis rackets in hand while two nameless henchmen set up the net_

CHENG: Mr. Bauer is with me.

_The two others pick up rackets and take their position on the other side. Cheng secures Jack to prevent escape, wrapping four giant chains around his body and fastening them to the ground_

_Random Guy 1 bounces a ball and serves. The ball comes straight to Jack, who takes one step before collapsing over the immobilizing chains. The ball bounces past him and goes over the side of the ship. Cheng shoots Jack a dirty look_

RANDOM GUY 1: Fifteen-Love.

**Two sets later…**

CHENG: This is no good. Mr. Bauer…I will unchain you if you promise to play your hardest despite your bitterness toward me.

JACK: I give you my word.

**Moments later…**

_Jack tosses the ball in the air and fires it across the court, serving an ace_

CHENG: Score! Well done, Mr. Bau…

_Cheng turns and Jack is gone. He hears a splash_

CHENG: Noooo!

_A depressed Cheng pulls out a scrap of notebook paper entitled "HOPES and DREAMS", dejectedly crossing "Doubles Champion" off the list_

JACK (in the water): Well that was a freebie

NARRATOR: While one ship was thrown into chaos, another was enjoying surprising success in nearby waters.

_cut to the Queen Mary_

NARRATOR: Lucille was fleeing from the SEC aboard the hulking Queen Mary after a disastrous party. The invited guests had voiced a collective "screw you" and jumped ship hours before, leaving only the Bluths and the nautical Hot Cops on board. Lucille now believed she was in the clear as the pursuing police boats faded from sight.

LUCILLE: Ha! That'll show them trying to arrest me. My, those Hot Sailors sure are impressive.

NARRATOR: Tobias thought so too.

_cut to the steam room, where a pack of hot men are powering the ship. Tobias gazes on at their sweat-glistened bodies as they work_

TOBIAS: Wow…you fellas sure do put out!

NARRATOR: Actually, the ship was moving along at a sluggish pace. The police had turned back long ago when matters had become more serious and they'd caught a lucky break.

**Hours before…**

_Oscar is on the phone in one of the ship's dining rooms_

OSCAR (into phone): You can go to hell. I would never betray my family like that, least of all Lucille.

NARRATOR: Oscar was secretly contacted by the authorities, who wished to enlist him as a mole in the effort to bring in Lucille. Oscar wanted to get on The Law's good side, hoping that they might someday compensate him for all of his wrongful arrests. But Oscar's feelings for his longtime lady-love prevailed.

VOICE ON OTHER LINE: The plan has changed, Bluth. We're not bringing her in. We just received word from CTU-Los Angeles that she may be involved in something serious. We want to track her without arousing suspicion. You are going to lead us to what she's hiding or we'll toss your stoned ass back in jail and cut the cord.

OSCAR (alarmed): What?!

VOICE: That's right. No Internet.

NARRATOR: Oscar imagined the hassle of launching "I'm Oscar" protests through ordinary snail mail, and came to a decision.

OSCAR: I'll do it.

VOICE: And take good care of the vessel. If there's even a dent when we get it back, you better pray to God that you've got another historic ship lying around somewhere…or else.

_click_

* * *

NARRATOR: It was Buster who first spotted him.

_Buster looks out over the boat and sees something moving in the water_

BUSTER: Oh my god, it's the seal! Kill it. Kill it!

_Buster leaves and returns with a harpoon but is stopped by Lindsay, who takes a closer look_

LINDSAY: That's not a seal, that's a man.

NARRATOR: Lindsay, known for her charity, put her caring nature into action.

LINDSAY: Gross. He's probably been in that sludge water for days. Get GOB to fish him out.

**Minutes later…**

_Jack is hauled up and over the side of the ship. Once aboard, he falls to his knees and coughs up water onto the deck. Every Bluth on board was there to witness the strange event_

GOB: Are you all right there, guy?

TOBIAS: He looks so familiar…I know I've seen his face but I can't quite place it.

JACK: Ahh…I'm fine, thank you. My name is Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent. I need to get to a phone right away.

NARRATOR: Lucille feared that this government agent would apprehend her for her crimes.

LUCILLE: I'm sorry, I don't have a phone on me.

_Lucille tosses her cell phone behind her back and into the ocean_

GOB: Nah, I used mine in my last illusion. It exploded…which…was totally planned, of course.

LINDSAY: I share one with my husband. He's probably got it.

TOBIAS: I found out it was a lemon.

BUSTER: Mom doesn't let me have one.

NARRATOR: Oscar did have one, but he worried over his fate if he didn't fulfill his charge as a mole.

OSCAR: Sorry, didn't hear the question. You got any cannabis?

* * *

NARRATOR: The Queen Mary's newest guest soon became its most popular.

LINDSAY (flirting): You're very attractive. A job like yours must be all work and no fun. Would you entertain the idea of an evening with me?

JACK: Miss, my wife was ruthlessly slaughtered by my traitorous ex-lover. After driving away next girlfriend away due to a vicious drug addiction, my Mexican on-and-off suffered a bullet to her brain. And this morning I believed that I would never see my only true love again. I'm sorry, it's not the best idea right now, for my sake and yours.

LINDSAY: Oh, that's okay. We'll try again in a few hours. Sound all right?

NARRATOR: GOB felt threatened by Jack's gruff n' tough demeanor and indulged the urge to step in and impress.

GOB: You know, I'm a cop too.

GOB pulls out his badge. Jack looks at it

JACK: That says "License to Strip". And it's been voided.

GOB: …Was a cop.

JACK (to Lucille): Listen, can you turn the ship around? It is imperative that I make contact with my agency.

LUCILLE: Of course, dear…

NARRATOR: But she had no intention of doing so.

LINDSAY: Whatever you say, cowboy.

TOBIAS (pondering): 'Cowboy'…?

NARRATOR: And Tobias had a revelation.

TOBIAS (to Jack): Oh my god…you were in Brokeback, weren't you?

NARRATOR: It was Young Guns.

_Tobias's face lights up_

TOBIAS: That was a snub if I ever saw one! Well, I would have seen it, but…

_Tobias's voice drifts off_

NARRATOR: Tobias so idolized the Academy that he once went to considerable lengths to secure a job as a seat-holder on Oscar night. He was promptly escorted from the facility by building security after jumping onto Jake Gyllenhall's lap.

TOBIAS: I happen to know a thing or two about actors, Mr. Bauer, and I must say that you are one of the best I've ever seen. Please, you must teach me some pointers.

_Tobias becomes giddy as Jack groans_

* * *

NARRATOR: Jack quickly discovered that his years of military training didn't fully prepare him for the Bluth family.

(montage)

_Gob approaches Jack_

GOB: Do you believe in MAGIC?

_Gob sprays lighter fluid on Jack_

* * *

_Lindsay approaches Jack_

LINDSAY: Would you care to upload into THIS socket?

* * *

_Buster approaches Jack_

BUSTER: Hey, federal agent.

_Buster gives Jack a shoulder rub_

* * *

_Tobias approaches Jack and hugs him tightly_

TOBIAS: I love you.

_Jack stomps on Tobias's foot_

(/montage)

* * *

NARRATOR: The Bluth matriarch realized she needed to call in the family glue if she had any chance of saving herself and her family from the watchful eyes of this mysterious stranger.

LUCILLE: We need Michael.

GOB: We need ice.

JACK: I need cyanide.

NARRATOR: And as Jack gazed longingly across the ocean for any sign of the Shanghai, it hit him.

JACK: …I've made a huge mistake.

* * *

_On the Next "Unusual Suspects"..._

(Jack brings in the feds...)

JACK: Chloe, you have to convince the president to order a missile strike on the Queen Mary.

CHLOE: I don't know Jack, that sounds a little extreme.

JACK: Just. Do It.

(The Hot Cops take a break...)

_The Hot Cops are resting and breathing heavily_

TOBIAS: A full hour? I'd never be able to go that long. My wife can attest to that.

(And Jack's intimidation tactics crack Tobias, revealing his most closely guarded secret.)

JACK: You are going to tell me everythi--

TOBIAS: I'm gay.


	2. OPERATION: FRIGHTFUL

(episode two)

OPERATION: FRIGHTFUL

"Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the beaten & bloody, battered & bruised, twice-dead, oft-tortured, emotionally crippled and slightly deranged federal agent who fought every urge to blow their brains out."

"It's The Unusual Suspects."

NARRATOR: Jack Bauer has escaped from the clutches of the dastardly Chinese…

_cut to a disheartened Cheng, who is sitting alone on the Shanghai picking the petals off a daisy to determine if Jack "will" or "won't" return_

NARRATOR: …and found rescue by way of another vessel. Unfortunately it was the Queen Mary, a ship powered by strippers and charged by twelve teaspoons of crazy. And Jack's endearment toward his rescuers had already worn thin.

(montage)

_GOB starts humming "The Final Countdown"_

JACK: Oh god, I hate that song.

GOB: You bastard.

_GOB lunges at Jack. Jack strikes GOB above the kneecap_

* * *

_Jack scratches his head_

_Tobias scratches his head_

* * *

_Jack yawns_

_Tobias fake-yawns_

* * *

_Jack walks into the bathroom_

_Tobias walks into the bathroom_

* * *

_Tobias limps out of the bathroom_

* * *

(/montage)

_cut to Jack, alone in a room aboard the Queen Mary_

NARRATOR: In an attempt to retain what sanity a Grim Reaper incarnate could muster, Jack did something that very few people had seen him do before.

_Jack is sleeping_

NARRATOR: The Bluths had cooled their full-frontal attack as night dawned, partly due to the onset of tiredness and partly because Jack had swiftly disabled two of them and personally reveled in the result.

_A loud CRASH, as Jack snaps awake and instantly becomes alert, looking for the source_

NARRATOR: Remember when I said that "every Bluth on board" was there to witness Jack's arrival? That didn't include one business-savvy Funkë, who'd been secluded for hours during many unsuccessful attempts to pitch the Bluth family story to all the networks. But her latest call had put the collective nail in the coffin.

**Moments before…**

MAEBY (on phone): What?! You're telling me that Showtime was a go but Mr. H pulled out?! Damn it!

NARRATOR: It was forceful. One that would have made Jack proud, had he heard it.

_Maeby hurls her cell phone into the ground and it shatters_

NARRATOR: That was louder.

_cut to the present, with Jack searching for the source of the noise. Suddenly the door to the adjacent room opens and Maeby walks in but stops suddenly as she sees Jack for the first time_

MAEBY: Who are you?

JACK: My name is Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent. Your people pulled me out of the water.

NARRATOR: Maeby failed to register the absurdity of the situation, too captured by his velvety voice and luscious face. And her sour mood evaporated as she suddenly had an idea.

MAEBY: Say…do you know how to act?

NARRATOR: Jack, having learned his lesson with Tobias, tried a new strategy. Instead of dodging every query, he went on the offensive.

JACK: Ask the Salazars what they thought of my performance. I killed.

_Maeby smiles_

NARRATOR: Maeby's plan was simple: she would ride this pretty-faced, talented unknown to regain her standing in the entertainment industry; to find the success that had slipped away from her family story, and take credit as the one who discovered this future star.

MAEBY (under her breath): Now all I need is a good story…

JACK: Listen, I just got through a long day. Right now I'm a little tired. Avenging the death of a former president, clearing my name after being framed for it, thwarting a terrorist plot to release loads of nerve gas, unraveling a government conspiracy, bringing down the current president, and suffering a Chinese kidnapping can do that to a person.

_Maeby's eyes widen_

NARRATOR: Maeby could envision a successful television series.

JACK: What was that sound, by the way?

MAEBY: Oh, that was my phone. Bad news from the suits, I'm afraid.

_Jack's hopes rise when he hears of a phone, but Maeby directs him to the next room and Jack sees the shattered remains_

JACK: Oh, COME on!

* * *

_Jack walks up to the deck to meet with Lucille_

NARRATOR: Jack suspected that Lucille wasn't being honest about the ship's course and was merely manipulating him…a deduction that any one of her children could easily corroborate for any conceivable situation. But Jack was an expert in extracting information. And he knew the importance of a delicate approach.

JACK: If you don't take us back to shore, I'll strangle you with your own intestines.

LUCILLE (unfazed): Honey, we'll be there as soon as those strippers gather the strength for another go. Such intense physical exertion is exhausting.

NARRATOR: Jack's alarm from his finely tuned BS-o-Meter™ was exceeded only by his nausea with Lucille's entendre. This triggered a violence craving, and it had been several hours since his last kill.

_Jack begins looking for any tools, all ready to begin a formal interrogation, when he and the others see a light in the distance coming toward them in the dark waters_

LUCILLE: He's here!

_Jack is confused and alert_

NARRATOR: Fearing Jack, Lucille had launched an operation under nightfall, one that comprised of bringing in her son, Michael, to save the family. Michael, all set to abandon the family hours before, took some serious coaxing to enlist.

**Hours before...**

LUCILLE (using Oscar's phone): I need your help. The SEC is after me, and now there's a federal agent snooping around. I could go to prison, Michael.

_Michael and George Michael are playing Go Fish on their yacht, The C-Word_

MICHAEL (on other line): I'm sorry to here that, Mother. We'll be sure to visit soon; just let us know the visitation hours.

LUCILLE: Michael! This could tear the family apart!

MICHAEL: Nice try, Mother. And ironic, since you're the one who's been doing the tearing for years.

NARRATOR: Desperate, Lucille tried one last gambit.

LUCILLE: Blah blah blah, something about being good for your son's future and his happiness.

MICHAEL: …I'll be right there.

_cut to present_

_Michael and George Michael board the Queen Mary. Jack eyes them suspiciously_

MICHAEL: What's the—who are you?

JACK: My name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent. And if you don't take me to shore and tell me what you're hiding, I will make you bleed.

_Michael is flustered. George Michael is terrified_

MICHAEL: I assure you, sir, that I had no knowledge of my mother's crimes. She acted independently, and I support whatever action is taken against her. I'll cooperate fully with your investigation.

_Jack stares silently_

NARRATOR: Jack was troubled, though not completely surprised, by the news of Lucille's criminal activity. But he was startled speechless by the true surprise: full cooperation from a suspect.

JACK (grateful): Nobody's ever said that to me before….

_Jack smiles_

JACK: Why don't you and I have a couple of beers and we'll talk this out civilly?

_Jack pats Michael on the back and they walk into the ship's dining room_

* * *

_Jack pops open a beer and hands it to Michael_

NARRATOR: Jack decided to start with the usual pleasantries, and quickly found that the two had something in common.

JACK: I don't like your family.

_Michael chuckles_

MICHAEL: I get that a lot. Worst part is, I'm the only one playing the role of straight man in this family.

JACK: I believe it. I met Tobias.

MICHAEL: Yeah, but you know…it could be worse, I suppose. Turns out my father wasn't treasonous after all. And hey….better than being related to a gang of murderers, right?

_Jack suddenly falls silent and stares somberly at the floor_

MICHAEL: …you're kidding. Oh, wow….I…I am so sorry…

JACK: …it's….it's okay. You couldn't have known….

_long silence_

JACK (recovering): So…these crimes of your mother's. What are they?

MICHAEL: Stealing company money. And manipulating any and all people age 9 to 99.

JACK: Oh…well, that's small potatoes.

MICHAEL (surprised): Really? Then what do you do?

JACK: I work in counter-terrorism. And I once killed a professional assassin by plunging a pair of scissors into his neck. And then pushed it in farther just for good measure.

_Michael stares in silent horror_

JACK: …Don't ever get on my bad side.

MICHAEL: Noted.

JACK: Listen, your family's legal issues aren't my concern. I've had a very long day and just want to get home. Do you have a phone I can borrow? I have to alert my colleagues that I am okay.

MICHAEL: Sure.

JACK: Thanks…oooh, the iPhone…

_Jack dials and connects_

VOICE: CTU-Los Angeles, O'Brian speaking.

JACK: Chloe! It's me; it's Jack.

CHLOE: Jack! What happened, everyone is looking for you—

JACK: I was kidnapped by the Chinese and was taken out to sea, but I've escaped. A nearby ship picked me up. I had to call and let you know that I was safe. I'll be coming in right away, and I'll be glad to get away from this crazy Bluth family. Tell Audrey—

CHLOE: Jack…did you just say 'Bluth family'?

JACK: They're freaks, Chloe.

CHLOE: Jack, several hours ago we picked up on some intel that a bombing was to take place in the Newport Beach area. We looked into it: the Bluth company seems to be financing the attack.

_Jack's face hardens_

CHLOE: We've been trying to track them from the inside, but our 'mole' has been no use to us…

_cut to Oscar, who's as high as a kite_

CHLOE: …but now that you're there, you can follow them covertly. We need you to find out everything you can about these people and get the details behind this attack: time, location, and personnel. Don't let them out of your sight. These people are dangerous.

_Jack looks out the window and sees Buster wrestling to get his hook unstuck from a life preserver_

_He then turns around, looks out the other window, and sees Tobias lurking with a creepy smile_

NARRATOR: Faced with many more Bluth-filled hours, Jack suddenly deflated as all his passion slipped away.

JACK (weakly): Ahh, darn it.

* * *

_On the Next "Unusual Suspects"..._

(GOB stands firm...)

_Jack approaches GOB_

GOB: I'll never tell you anything.

**Minutes later...**

GOB (in tears): ...it's misdirection...the dove is in my pants the whole time...that's how it works...

(And George Michael manages to move on...)

JACK: Here's my daughter.

_Jack hands George Michael a photo of Kim_

_George Michael smiles and stares at it lustfully_

MAEBY: Hey, you wanna go make out?

GEORGE MICHAEL (still smiling): No thanks...

_George Michael continues to stare_


	3. ACTING PROTOCOL

(episode three)

ACTING PROTOCOL

"Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the beaten & bloody, battered & bruised, twice-dead, oft-tortured, emotionally crippled and slightly deranged federal agent who fought every urge to blow their brains out."

"It's The Unusual Suspects."

NARRATOR: Jack Bauer had earned the reputation for being a tough man…

**Four season ago…**

_Jack is sitting on a bench with Chase in the subway station. They're drinking coffee as they wait for Rabens._

CHASE: Yeah, so I think I'm gonna quit. Yeah, field-work's dead.

_Jack, not paying attention, sits back, closes his eyes, and rests serenely._

CHASE: Hey…what happened to your heroin withdrawals?

_Jack shrugs_

JACK: Whoops.

_cut to present_

NARRATOR: …but his current task was pushing him to his breaking point.

_Jack is on the phone with Chloe_

JACK: Chloe, I'm tired. And hungry. And emotionally crippled. Please get someone else.

CHLOE (other end): Jack, we need you. You're already in place, and we're dealing with a crisis. Now that Logan's out of play, Vice President Gardner is in charge and he wants this handled now. For security reasons he was taken to a nearby operations complex, and he wants us to send him real-time updates while he runs things from the O.C.--

JACK: Don't call it that.

CHLOE: Jack, this'll all be over soon enough. We need you to be focused. I know you must feel awful right now, what with Palmer…and Tony…and Michelle dying because you were in hiding…

JACK: Not helping here, Chloe.

CHLOE: Just find an excuse to stay with this family.

_click_

NARRATOR: Jack racked his brain for a good undercover story, but for the first time in his life, he had nothing.

_Jack looks around for inspiration and sees Tobias standing by the railing of the ship and looking out to sea. He is (poorly) performing a soliloquy._

TOBIAS: "…Let me not think on't — Frailty, thy name is woman!"

JACK: Oh, god…

NARRATOR: And Jack knew what he had to do, though it took ever fiber of his being for him to do it.

_Jack reluctantly walks up to Tobias._

JACK (wincing): I'm…going to be your acting teacher.

_Tobias stares at Jack in wondered disbelief and claps his hands together, smiling widely._

TOBIAS: O glorious rapture! I shan't—

JACK: It f(_bleep_)ing sucked, man. I'm sorry. It was just…

_Tobias is motionless._

JACK: …Well, we've got a lot of work to do, all right?

TOBIAS (recovering): …Yes, well…thank you for that. One can't become a Rupert Everett overnight, I suppose. I imagine you want me to give it more thrust, yes?

JACK: …

* * *

_Michael is walking around the deck with George Michael._

NARRATOR: Michael, meanwhile, was trying to reassure his son.

GEORGE MICHAEL: That guy looks pretty scary, Dad.

MICHAEL: No, George Michael, I talked to him. He's really a great guy and he's completely harmless. You have nothing to be scared of.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, when you talked to him…what did he say?

_flashback_

JACK: "…by plunging a pair of scissors into his neck."

_present_

MICHAEL: He said some wonderful things. …Listen, I want you and everyone else in this family to respect Jack and do whatever he says.

_Lucille and Lindsay walk up._

LUCILLE: What was that, Michael?

MICHAEL: Nothing, Mom. Look, the guy isn't going to turn you in, okay? He isn't even interested in you.

LINDSAY (hopeful): Is he interested in me?

_Jack walks up with Tobias._

JACK (to Lucille): I talked to my people. There's no longer a warrant out for your arrest. It was all…

NARRATOR: Jack knew he had to make the story convincing.

JACK: …a misunderstanding.

NARRATOR: If only Tobias could comprehend that he was witnessing a master at work. If he could give a performance that good, he would have his own Alias-type show.

JACK: So...we can all go home. And I don't mean to impose, but would you mind if I, uh…stayed for dinner? I haven't eaten all day on account of—(_thinks about it for a second_)—ah, forget it. It's a long story.

LINDSAY (flirtatious): I have time.

JACK: Well, my story is very good but, as I said, it is considerably long. When I tell it to people I have to split the story into smaller chunks and relay them periodically. Unfortunately, this requires a commitment on the part of my audience to stick with me from start to finish. The payoff, though, is enormous.

LINDSAY: Why don't you give each chunk its own beginning, middle, and end so that people can follow it more easily, jumping in without making any kind of commitment?

JACK: I have my principles. I'm not going to let the quality of my story suffer with episodic presentation just to attract a mainstream fan base. It's simply tragic, really, that we live in a world of conventional mediocrity where people can't follow a weavings of a sophisticated and complex narrative.

MICHAEL: Tell me about it.

NARRATOR: With that awkward rant out of the way, Jack searched for a nice segue way…and found one.

_Jack spots Gob's Segway resting at the other end of the deck._

JACK: Does no one realize that that thing make you look like a dumbas—

_Someone taps Jack on the shoulder. Jack turns around._

GOB (smiling): You've made a huge mistake.

_Gob reaches back to punch Jack._

**Moments later…**

JACK: Just keep it elevated. But that's strike two. Strike three and you're—

GOB (depressed): Out?

JACK: Dead.

GOB: I'm sorry…I don't know what got into me. That's the last time I try to "cirsumvrent" your authority.

JACK: …the hell?

* * *

NARRATOR: So Jack and the Bluth family ended their nautical jaunt and returned to the model home. The valiant Hot Sailors were compensated for their efforts, of course.

_cut to the Queen Mary at the dock, with everyone getting off_

TOBIAS (paying the Sailors): Do keep in touch. Please.

_cut to the model home_

NARRATOR: And Jack enjoyed a hearty meal for the first time in years, with the only interruption being a welcome one.

_the doorbell rings_

JACK: It's for me.

_Jack goes to the door and opens it. It's Curtis._

CURTIS: Here, Jack. Your cell, PDA, and pistol, just like you asked.

JACK (pleasantly surprised): And only two hours late. You're making progress, C-Man.

_at the table_

GEORGE MICHAEL (nervous): Dad, why is he still here?

JACK (walking back, and hearing): I'm going to teach Tobias how to act—

LINDSAY: Like a man?

JACK: No…I'm not THAT good. I mean that I'm going to be his acting teacher.

NARRATOR: Maeby's own plan seemed to be falling into place.

MAEBY (whispering to self): Well that was a freebie.

MICHAEL: Wait, I thought you were a federal agent. Don't you have to, you know, go back to work?

JACK: About that: ….I'm actually in a transition period between jobs right now. The agency just calls me in sometimes as a, uh…consultant.

MICHAEL: But you're good at what you do, right? Why don't you just join the force full-time?

JACK: My relationships with my superiors have been…rocky.

(montage)

_Jack shoots Mason with a tranq gun_

* * *

JACK: I can find my own f(_bleep_)ing job, Erin.

* * *

_Jack shoots Chappelle in the head._

* * *

BILL: I'm sorry, Jack. I just disagree with you for once

JACK (fighting back tears): Ouch, Bill. Ouch.

(/montage)

* * *

NARRATOR: And after dinner, one of the Bluths wanted a closer word with Jack.

BUSTER (to Jack): I need to talk to you.

_Buster pulls Jack aside. He looks around to make sure nobody is nearby._

BUSTER: I know why you're really here.

JACK (caught off guard): ...I'm just teaching Tobias how to act.

BUSTER (sighing): He should give it up. He's much better at analraping.

JACK (alarmed): What?

BUSTER: …It's not what you think. But no, that's not why you're really here. I know what you're doing and I want you to know that I'm willing to help.

NARRATOR: Jack's heart was racing. Perhaps this insider could help him prevent the Bluth-backed attack.

JACK (measured): …Continue.

BUSTER: I have two conditions. One, when my mother goes to prison, I get to go with her.

JACK: You're mother? She's behind this?

BUSTER: Of course. She's the mastermind. But you already knew that, didn't you?

JACK (realizing): Wait…did you say go with her?

BUSTER: I'm sure it'll be an all-female prison, but surely you can make an exception…?

JACK (dismissive): What's the second condition?

BUSTER: I want you to take me for a ride in one of your boats.

JACK: Boats? What boats?

BUSTER: You're SEC, right?

NARRATOR: And then it hit Jack: Buster was only speaking of Lucille's other crimes. The potential lead was not a lead at all.

JACK (disappointed): No…no, listen. We're not going after your mother. She's fine.

_Buster throws up his arms in the air and nearly slices Jack with his hook._

BUSTER (immensely relieved): Oh, thank God! I never could have handled prison.

_Buster shudders and walks away._

JACK: Damn it.

NARRATOR: Jack was frustrated that the lead had gone cold. But then…

_Jack, alone, hears a voice speaking in a hushed tone in the other room. He peers aside and sees that it's Gob, who is speaking on the phone._

GOB: Did you get the stuff? This is going down tomorrow. Everything needs to be in place.

_Jack, staying hidden, inches closer._

GOB: I know what I'm doing. When I explode, the Father will reward me eternally.

_Jack immediately pulls out his phone and calls Chloe._

JACK (frantic): Chloe, it's me. They're not just financing they attack—the one named "Gob" seems to be carrying it out. Tomorrow. Sounds like a suicide bombing. I'm going to interrogate him—

_Jack draws his weapon._

CHLOE: Jack, you can't do that anymore.

JACK: What? Why not?

CHLOE: Remember?

_flashback to a press conference with Wayne Jarvis and Barry Zuckerkorn's paralegal_

PARALEGAL: It'll be a looong time before Jack Bauer shoots anyone above the kneecap again.

_present_

JACK: Son of a btch. Well, it's happening tomorrow, not today. So…what happens now? I guess I go home?

CHLOE: I'm not sure. That's not how it usually works. Plus, you don't really have a home.

JACK: F(_bleep_) it. I'm tired. I'll save the world tomorrow.

* * *

On the Next "Unusual Suspects…"

(The feds find a hidden egg…)

CHLOE: Someone connected to the Bluth family has agreed to cooperate with our investigation. I'll upload the intel to your PDA. She claims to have a lot of information; she's had intimate relationships with two of them.

_Jack checks his PDA and looks at the sent image. It's Ann._

JACK (incredulous): …Her?

(…And Oscar does something relevant.)

FOOTAGE NOT FOUND


End file.
